Funny Mark Twain Quotes

There's no shortage of funny Mark Twain quotes. One of the greatest testaments to Twain's wit is that his quotes retain their humor more than a century after they were first said or written.

A Life on the Stage
As a young man learning the printing trade in New York City, Twain frequently attended lectures given at public libraries. In the days before vaudeville and standup comedy, lecturers were among the top entertainers of the day. A blend of humor, facts and fascinating stories allowed the best lecturers to sell out performances in major theaters throughout the world.

Twain enjoyed attending these lectures and took to the lecture circuit on his own to pay off debts incurred through bad investments. As a world traveler, Twain found humor in the different attitudes and mannerisms of the people he met. This wit found its way into his written works as well as his public appearances. Although his life was filled with tragedy, including the deaths of his younger brother, his wife and three of his children, Twain seemingly met each of life's challenges with a sense of humor.

Selected Twain Quotes

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

When angry count four; when very angry, swear.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency.

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Let us be thankful for fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Honesty is the best policy, when there is money in it.

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.

The report of my death was an exaggeration. 

Buy land. They've stopped making it.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.