Writing A Condolence Message

It's kind to write a condolence message on stationery or a card when someone you know experiences grief or loss. However, when dealing with heavy emotions and uncomfortable situations, many people are unsure of what to say or how to say it. The bottom line is that sympathy cards can express your support and heartfelt feelings about the person's situation, and that alone can lift her spirits a little.

What To Write It On
A handwritten condolence letter is the ultimate in personal expression. Definitely skip the e-mail and word processing versions of condolence letters. Write the letter in longhand on stationery or even a greeting card. Use blue or black ink, and mail the condolence letter to the recipient as soon as you hear of her loss. The recipient will be able to look back on her time of suffering and gain comfort by re-reading all the kind words that arrived in letters and cards.

What To Write
Address the grieving person by name in the opening of the condolence message. Prepare a few lines of a personal thought-there's no need to be lengthy. Keeping it brief allows you to share your feelings properly without too much in-depth demonstration. It's important to acknowledge the loss of the deceased person. For example, "I cannot imagine your sorrow at John's death. He was a truly remarkable man."

Always mention the name of the person who died, and share a thought about him. For example, "John always had a special way of making those of us in the office smile. I'll never forget how he loved to play practical jokes on each of us." If you didn't know the person personally, you can still be sympathetic and offer support to the grieving person.

Offer support in conclusion of the condolence cards. It can be as simple as "Please know that I'm thinking of you during this difficult time in your life." Or, the support could be more substantial, such as, "I'll call you next week to see how you are doing and if you need anything." Depending on your relationship to the grieving person, the level of support can vary.

What Not To Do
No matter how well-intentioned you are, you still need to avoid multiple pitfalls when writing a sympathy card:

• Don't share stories of your own personal loss. The grieving person feels that her loss is unique, and comparing it to another's loss marginalizes her feelings.
• Don't give spiritual advice unless you are positive of the person's affiliations or beliefs. Even the devout followers of a faith often question that faith during a time of intense grief. It's better to let her sort out her feelings and offer quiet support instead.
• Don't try to make the situation better by pointing out a bright side. Statements such as "At least he's not in pain anymore" or "It was her time to go" don't reduce the pain of loss at all and can be perceived as insensitive.
• Don't delay in sending the message. While a late condolence message is better than none at all, a note should be sent as soon as news of the loss reaches you.