The Stages of Grieving

As you progress through the stages of grieving, you may worry that your pain will never end. Coping with grief is never easy, and some of the stages can be confusing if you don't realize what is happening.

It is natural to need different kinds of support as you go through each stage, so it's important to recognize the stage and communicate to those around you exactly what you need. Do not feel bad if at one point you need companionship and at another point you need solitude; fluctuations in emotional needs are common when grieving. You may experience some of these stages out of order or remain in one stage much longer than another; this is normal and is due to the individual nature of your loss. You should also realize that you may cycle through the stages of grief more than once, especially if new loss or new information comes out about the painful experience. Allow yourself to cycle through again if need be; resisting the grieving process will only prolong it.

Stage One: Denial
Most people are in shock immediately after a loss. This is why a widow may be able to laugh at her husband's funeral or why a mother may feel numb instead of the expected sorrow at the news that she has lost her child. The greater the loss, the more likely you will enter shock and denial out of self-protection. Many people worry that they are callous or unloving because they do not feel anything when they first get the news of loss. This is not the case. You are simply protecting yourself from the intense emotional pain because the pain is too great to bear at the moment.

Stage Two: Pain and Remorse
This is stage where you wonder what your part of the loss was. This is where parents torture themselves over how they should have protected a child better or spouses review all the things they could have done differently to save a marriage. You may feel obsessed with the loss at this time, and the pain can feel unbearable. You may find yourself reviewing the circumstances around your loss over and over and over again, wishing you could go back in time and do some things differently. This is a terrifying part of the grief process; it is the time when you will be most tempted to abuse alcohol, overeat, isolate, act out or punish yourself. It's important to get professional help if you feel you are in danger of hurting yourself or someone else.

Stage Three: Anger
This is the stage where you'll feel your frustration at your inability to go back in time and prevent the loss. You may find yourself bargaining with a higher power or lashing out at other people. Be careful not to sever or damage important relationships. It's important at this stage to remember that the other people around you probably feel as guilty and angry as you do, especially if the loss was the fault of the other person.

Stage Four: Depression
This stage can last a long time. You may feel lonely, sad and like nothing will ever bring you happiness again. You may find yourself sleeping a lot, eating a lot, not eating at all and isolating. Things that used to bring you joy may now seem purposeless. If you begin have suicidal thoughts or feel your depression is overwhelming, seek help.  Be gentle with yourself as you get through this difficult stage.

Stage Five: Acceptance
One day, life will seem okay again. It may shock you when you laugh at a joke or find yourself truly enjoying a day at the beach. You may feel guilt for feeling good after all the time you've spent thinking about your loss; you will need to allow yourself to appreciate the fact that you did indeed heal and you are going to be okay, even though you have experienced a deep loss. If you need to do something about the guilt, try to find a way to comfort others who are dealing with loss. This can be very therapeutic.