Should Adopted Children Know Their Birth Parents?

Whether or not adopted children should know their birth parents is an emotionally charged question. In recent years, the stigma previously attached to adoption has all but vanished. Open adoptions, in which adoptees continue to enjoy some level of contact with their birth parents, are becoming more common each year.
According to a study conducted in 2006 by the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, the number of fully disclosed adoptions (involving the exchange of identifying information between the adoptive and birth parents) arranged by US adoption agencies rose from 36% of adoptions in 1987-89 to 79% of adoptions in 1999.

The study also finds that "Most agencies offered a range of adoption types and left the choice up to the prospective birth mothers. However, 82% of agencies promoted specific types of adoptions in their training and counseling, with 46% encouraging fully disclosed adoptions and none encouraging confidential adoptions. Workers identified the desires ademands of birth mothers as the primary factor leading to these changes -- i.e., the vast majority want to maintain a connection to their children."

The Case Against Closed Adoptions
The most common reasons for wanting a closed adoption (no contact with birth parents, and often no information about birth parents) are based upon erroneous assumptions and societal stereotypes from the mid-20th century, according to the study. The most common reasons are listed as:

1. Secrecy is necessary to protect the parties involved
2. Closed adoption helps birth parents to heal and move on with their lives
3. Knowing birth relatives can lead an adopted child to have divided loyalties and identity confusion
4. Openness will create competition between the adoptive and birth families and interfere with bonding in the adoptive family
5. Adoptees who are well-adjusted and happy in their adoptive families will have no need or desire to learn about their birth families.

The arguments for adopted children knowing their birth parents outweigh the arguments against in most circumstances, for some very practical reasons. Perhaps the most obvious is to provide the adopted child with a family medical history. If a person is genetically predisposed to heart disease or certain types of cancer, ignorance of that predisposition is a serious medical disadvantage. Beyond the health concerns, unknown family histories can make it difficult to secure certain insurance policies later in life.

In addition to the practical reasons an adopted child should know his birth parents, there are a plethora of emotional reasons as well. Everyone wants to be from "somewhere." An adopted child may experience a sense of disconnection if she doesn't know where she was born. Often, the circumstances leading to a child being adopted are unpleasant, and adoptive parents may naturally want to shield the child from the details. However, in the absence of facts, the adopted child may imagine a scenario far worse than the truth. The truth, unpleasant though it may be, is at least the truth and can be dealt with in time with maturity.

Some of the reasons that finding a birth parent might be viewed as a negative would be in some cases of rape or incest, in circumstances where it may put the birth parent in danger, or if it is against the specific request of the birth parent. Though no longer quite as common, some birth parents want to move on with their lives and not have a constant reminder of a decision that could have been very painful to make, even if it was for the best for all concerned.

In some cultures, an unwanted pregnancy can bring a good deal of shame to a family and may have been hidden. In the case of some extreme religious cultures, the discovery of an illegitimate child can place the birth mother's life in grave danger. In the case of rape or another deeply traumatic event, reuniting with a birth parent can be a painful reminder of the event and cause significant psychological damage.

Making the Choice
Initially, the decision to involve birth parents is made by the adoptive family. Some adoptees aren't told they were adopted until they become adults. Most, however, are told at some point in their childhood when their adoptive parents believe they are ready to learn about their unique status. In some cases, the birth parents actually play some continuing role in the life of the child, and the child automatically has a relationship with them.

Ultimately, the decision to seek out birth parents and attempt a relationship with them is up to the adoptee. The process of determining and locating birth families can be costly and time consuming, with no guarantee of success. Even in cases where the search is successful, the birth family may want nothing to do with the adopted child. Needless to say, the process can be fraught with emotional peril.

For those adopted children who overcome the obstacles and forge a healthy relationship with their birth parents and families, the rewards can be great. Old wounds can be healed, and the sense of connection or belonging that may have been missing in the adopted child's life can be found.