Adopted children are naturally curious about their birth parents, and some will go to any lengths to meet them. This presents challenges for adoptive parents, who may fear losing their role. Consider these scenarios:

Tina, a 17 year old, is meeting her natural birth parents for the first time. She is both excited and nervous. She's even a little bit scared. The only thing she knows about them is that when they conceived her at a young age, they were not ready for children. Consequently, she got placed for adoption. Just recently, she had learned of their names and whereabouts.

Charlie, who is 12 years old, has known his birth parents from the very beginning. His adoption was an open one, in which most information was openly shared. He sometimes spent time with his birth parents, but his home was with his adoptive parents. For Charlie, this was a nice arrangement because he felt like he had advantages over some of his friends for having so many people who loved and cared for him.

Brenda, age 8, was adopted into the United States from overseas. All that is known about her life before adoption is that she was found abandoned in a city park. Her actual birthday is unknown, but when she was found, it was estimated that she was about 4 weeks old. Based on that, the adoption agency that the authorities worked with assigned her a birthday. Shortly after she was found, a family from the United States adopted her and their family is all she's known. In her case, even if the family wanted to help her find her real parents, it may not be possible and may also be very stressful and time-consuming.

Should Adopted Children Know Their Birth Parents?
The children in the above examples are hypothetical. They are not real and, in effect, neither are the stories. But, there are many children with similar stories. This is not a question with a simple answer. Because all children and all situations will be different, such will be the answers. While it might be a good idea for one child to know his birth parents, it could be detrimental or even dangerous for another to know hers.

Think of the Adoption Circumstances
There are numerous reasons surrounding the circumstances that led to the decision of an adoption by the birth parents. Some of these reasons may be best left a secret to protect the child. Some of the reasons may not need to be secrets but would be cause for not introducing a child to his or her birth parents. For some children, getting to know their birth parents can be a joyous, even healing, experience. This can depend on the child's openness toward the birth parents, whether the relationship has been established from the beginning and a variety of other factors.

Think of the Child's Safety
While things can go well in many situations, there still are many others when a child knowing the birth parents is not a good idea. Take, for example, a child who is placed into adoptive custody due to an abusive situation. It may not always be safe (mentally or physically) to allow a relationship between the child and the birth parents in this instance. However, there could be cases in which the parents receive treatment and it may be alright to allow a relationship.

Analyze
The main thing to remember is that rather than look at the question from a generalized point of view, it should be analyzed. The adoptive parent, any applicable social workers and psychologists should all work together to find a solution that will work best for the child and the situation. It also can be a good idea to involve the child in age-appropriate and maturity-appropriate aspects of that decision process. Take the child's emotions and behaviors into account in deciding which aspects to share with him or her.

Parental Conflicts
Allowing contact with the birth parents may also be trying for the adoptive parents. Some may feel threatened of their parental status. However, it is important to remember that even when the birth parents can see their children, once the adoption process has taken place, the birth parents no longer have any legal rights to the child.

When examining the points from above, it is safe to say that choosing whether or not a child should be allowed to see his or her birth parents is not a simple decision. Thought and analysis from varied angles must first be done. Even family and child counseling can help families find a solution that works for everyone. In the end, it matters not which decision is made but how that decision will effect the child.