For adopted children, finding birth parents is a natural part of completing the self-discovery phase of personality development. However, just having a desire to find your birth parents is not enough to ensure a successful outcome. While joyous reunions with birth parents are celebrated in the media, they are actually very rare.
Before you set out to find your birth parents, you need to understand the pros and cons of this journey, as they will impact not only your life, but the lives of your adopted family and your birth family.
Pros of Finding Birth Parents
In some cases, medical conditions may necessitate finding birth parents or other blood relatives. For example, an adopted child may need a bone marrow transplant or have a medical condition that doctors can't figure out; family histories can help them pinpoint the problem. Even if identifying information isn't found, many states, including Hawaii, Minnesota and Kansas, will provide an adult who was adopted with limited access to his original birth certificate, and in some cases even his birth parents' medical histories (Cornell).
Finding birth parents can also help an adoptee figure out where he came from and what events led to his being put up for adoption. Finding these answers can be very gratifying, or at least satisfying for the adopted child, even when the answers are hard to hear. It can provide the adopted child with closure.
The most sought after benefit from finding birth parents is the coveted happy ending where everyone is joyfully reunited. While this type of reunion is rare, it does happen. In the event that birth parents are found, there are steps that you can take to improve the chances of a positive reunion. These include having realistic expectations, working with a therapist beforehand, taking things slow, establishing personal boundaries and limits for your relationship with your birth parents and giving everyone involved, including yourself, your adopted family and your birth family, time to adjust to the concept of the new relationship.
Cons of Finding Birth Parents
According to many studies on adopted children and birth parents, including one conducted by Cornel University, the prognosis for this type of search is dismal. First, it is very difficult to gain access to adoption records and even to your original birth certificate if you were adopted. Only a few states, including Minneapolis, Kansas and Hawaii, allow open access to adoption records. Some states, including Illinois, now provide nonidentifying information and the ability to initiate or refuse contact through Web sites. Most states, however, keep adoption and birth records sealed. It takes a court order to get the information, and in many cases you will need show good cause for your request, such as a medical problem.
The expense of serching is another obstacle. With few governmental avenues of help available, adoptees and birth parents may spend large sums of money on private investigators and search services to find family members.
The most devastating drawback to finding birth parents is that the reunion is seldom as good as the adoptee expects, according to the Child Welfare Information Gateway). Adoptees who are able to track down their birth parents are often faced with rejection and disappointment. In fact, 9% to 15% of birth parents who are found refuse to have contact with the child. Reunions may not be as joyous as the adoptee hoped. In some cases, the adopted child learns that she was unwanted in the first place.
Finding birth parents also causes a major disruption in the lives of everyone involved. First, it disrupts the adopted child's life as he has to devote resources and efforts to the search. Adopted family members must face their own insecurities and worries. The lives of the birth parents and their extended families are disrupted as they deal with the new addition to the family tree. All of these disruptions can cause tension, stress and family conflicts.
The key to deciding if you should search for birth parents is to understand why you want to find them and what you expect to happen once you do. If you decide to take on this journey, you need to make sure you are prepared for an emotional rollercoaster that could lead to additional heartbreak.
 | Adopted children are often curious about their birth parents, but meetings aren't always possible or desirable. |
 | Most cases of adoption in America require that the parental rights of the birth parents be terminated before adoptive parents may legally adopt a child. Depending upon the circumstances, this termination of parental rights may be voluntary or involuntary. |
Whether or not adopted children should know their birth parents is an emotionally charged question. In recent years, the stigma previously attached to adoption has all but vanished. |
Adopted children are naturally curious about their birth parents, and some will go to any lengths to meet them. This presents challenges for adoptive parents, who may fear losing their role. |
The surge in open adoptions over the past 30 years has made the process to find birth parents much easier. Since the advent of the Internet, an entire industry has sprung up to meet the growing demand. |
