Kids and Sharing

It's a common scene at playgrounds and playrooms across the country: Two kids, one toy. Wailing, screaming, stamping feet and grabbing. Sometimes it can seem like kids and sharing will never mix.

Yet sharing is a life skill that children must, and do, learn.

Many experts claim that kids naturally want to share with others, that children are not innately selfish. In order to share their toys with someone else, they want to first feel a connection with others. When a child hoards his toys it's because he's insecure about the other children in the room.

Before age four, many children don't understand the concept of sharing and shouldn't be pushed hard to share all of their toys. At this age, children don't understand that they will eventually get the toy back because they don't fully understand the idea of time. They consider their "things" to be extensions of themselves and find it very difficult to give them up, even for a little while.

After age four, there are things a parent can do to help develop sharing in their children. Set the stage for a time when they can share toys with other children, resolve conflicts on their own and play well with others.

Depending on the situation and the children involved, parents can use some strategies for encouraging sharing among kids.

• Help come up with solutions to the problem.  There is one bunny and two children who want it. You know there are solutions to the problem, but the each child only understands that he or she might not get the bunny. Children in these situations become single-minded in their desire to get what they want. As an adult, it's your job to offer up solutions: taking turns with a timer, finding another bunny or playing together with the bunny. Talk to the children and see if they can agree on a solution.
• Let the children settle the situation themselves. It's sometimes hard for parents to sit back and let a sharing conflict happen, but it's good for kids to try to work it out on their own without interference by an adult. After the incident is over, talk to your child about what happened. "You both wanted the doll, but Nicole got it because she took it away from you. That wasn't fair, but a few minutes later, she put down the doll and you got to play with it. Sometimes waiting is the best solution."
• Plan and set rules in advance for situations that you know will cause sharing conflicts. Consider a situation four children in a play group fight over the same riding toy every week. Set some ground rules and announce them as soon as the children arrive: Each child can ride the toy until the timer goes off and while the other children are waiting, they can ride the other toys.