Setting Teen Dating Rules

Most teens become interested in dating, and parents might need some teen dating advice to decide which rules are best for their family.

Having teen dating rules helps parents feel secure knowing where their teens are and who they are with. Teens also feel secure by having rules, expectations and boundaries. Rules are a way of bringing structure and predictability to the family, both of which are necessary for maintaining feelings of wellbeing and trust.

Teens especially need to know what the boundaries are, and they feel better when clear boundaries are set. Parents should set limits, for their peace of mind as well as their teen's.

Matters of Trust
Discussing and setting teen dating rules together can be helpful, as it shows the teen that his or her input is valuable, and it helps to establish a mutual agreement from both sides, rather than a dictated set of laws that the teen is expected to follow without a chance for input. It may be helpful to put everything in writing, with parents and teens signing the agreement at the bottom.

Trust is a big factor in the variations of limits. It is often up to the teen to prove to be responsible, to have responsible friends and to earn the parent's trust in regards to the limits. Sometimes, a rule will start out one way, and, after trust is proven, the specifics of the rule can be renegotiated. Teens who wish to have any rule changed should talk to their parents about how to build trust and confidence to earn the changes they would like.

What to Cover in the Big Talk
Five subjects need to be covered when it's time to discuss teen dating rules. Whether it means setting the rules together with the teen, or deciding ahead of time what the limits are, these subjects should be discussed well before the first date.

Curfew. What time is the reasonable limit for returning home after a date or evening out? Will the parent be up waiting? Should the teen wake the parent to inform of his or her arrival? Will there be any grace time or flexibility attached to the curfew? What is the procedure if something comes up to prevent the teen from making it home at the appointed time? Discuss these, agree and add any other pieces relevant to your family's needs.

Transportation. Will the teen be permitted to ride in the car with another teen driving? Often, parents of teens under driving age will not permit their teens to ride with a teen driver, at least without a parent or adult present in the car. Other parents will decide on transportation depending on how long the teen driver has had a driver's license, and only after speaking with the driver's parents first. Some parents will allow their teen to go in a car with a group of peers, but not alone with one other teen driving. Parents of adolescents below driving age will probably expect to chaperone, either by driving and dropping-off, or making arrangements with the intended date's parents for transportation.

Many parents, also, have a "no questions asked" agreement should their teen call them to pick them up, in an instance in which the teen doesn't feel safe riding with their ride for any reason. Doing the responsible thing and calling parents earns them a "judgment-free" ride home. Safety is the most important priority, and a teen who uses good sense should feel comfortable asking his or her parents for help when it is needed.

Accompaniment. Get to know all parties involved. Most parents want to meet the person going out with their son or daughter before they allow them to go out with that person. Sometimes, the parents would like to talk with, or even meet, the parents of the person their teen wishes to accompany on a date. Parents want to know that the person who will be with their son or daughter is responsible and will use good judgment in an unaccompanied situation.

Checking in. Some parents keep in touch with their teens via cell phone or other means while they are away from each other. There may even be a "check in" rule at a specific time to help maintain this trust, and having a means of communication can be helpful for this.

Sexual behavior. Parents should talk with their teen about being responsible, and what kind of intimate behavior is appropriate, according to the moral guidelines in the family. It is important to set up good communication in this subject, as teens are faced with many choices. A solid foundation of parental expectations will help support the teens when questions arise.

Teens should always be aware that they have choices, and they do not have to do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. They should also be told that the parent will be available to talk if they have questions or concerns. Parents should be observant of their teen's behavior, and they should know where and who their teen is with. Web sites and books are available that can help a parent feel comfortable discussing sensitive subjects. Setting reasonable, realistic rules can help facilitate good dialogue and trust.