Here are some simple steps you can follow to help a child who becomes aggressive. These measures will, over time, drain the feelings that cause the aggression, and will help the child feel closer to you and much more flexible in his play with other children.
- Ask someone to listen to you while you talk about the feelings you have about the child's aggression. Hurtful behavior kicks up lots of feelings--fears, anger, guilt--that freeze our warmth and make us react in ways that frighten our child further. Talking to a good listener, and offloading your own feelings, will prepare you to help your child.
- Observe. Under what conditions do the child's fears overtake her? Is it when Mommy has been at a meeting the night before? When there have been arguments at home? When other children crowd close? When left to play with a sibling in a separate room? Generally, you can come up with a good guess as to when your child might lose his sense of connection and become aggressive.
- Give up the hope that "this time it might not happen." Mental preparation is important. If your child bites you suddenly when you're doing rough and tumble play, then every time you play this way, be mentally prepared for biting to occur!
Intervene, then listen when unhappy feelings overcome the child.
- Intervene quickly and calmly to prevent a child's hand from landing in someone's hair, or her teeth from fastening onto you, or her fist from landing on her friend. Because she's not in control of her behavior, she needs you to keep her from hurting someone. You can say something like "I can't let you hurt Jamal," or "Oh, no, I don't think I want those teeth any closer," while holding her forehead a few inches above your shoulder.
- Give her eye contact, a warm voice, and kind physical contact. She needs some sign that it's safe to show you her feelings. You can say things like "I know you don't feel good," "I'm right here and I'll keep things safe for you," "Something is not right. Can you tell me about it?" "No one's mad at you. I want to stay with you right now."
- Don't expect your child to be reasonable. She probably won't use words to tell you how she feels. Her body language and tone while crying or screaming will speak to you. Show your caring as you let her writhe with upset, cry, and struggle. Keep both of you safe by managing her movements when you need to-a hand on her wrist so she can't grab your glasses, or an arm around her waist so she can't kick your legs. When she's finished, she will feel relieved and close to you.
- Don't lecture or explain. Even very young children know right from wrong. But when they are wild with feelings, they can't listen to their own best thinking, or yours. After the unhappy feelings are gone, they will remember, on their own, the important principles you have taught them.
What if you arrive on the scene too late, and your child has already hurt someone?
- Make things safe immediately. Take away the toys being thrown, or open the child's fingers to release her sister's hair.
- Don't blame, shame, or punish. These actions further frighten children, and further isolate them. They add to the load of hurt that makes children aggressive.
- Decide who you are going to listen to first. Both the aggressor and the victim need your help. You will be more effective if you concentrate on one child at a time, giving just a moment to the other child. Try to go to the aggressor as often as you go to the victim. Of course, the victim needs someone to check the damage done, and to care. If it's the aggressor you are going to focus on, you can tell the child who was hurt, "I'm sorry. I know that hurt. I'm going to spend a minute here with you. Then I need to see Marla and help her--she must be pretty upset to do this to you." You might want to try keeping the crying child close to you while you attend to the aggressor child, although it will be harder to keep thinking straight.
- Remember that children who hurt others don't want to do it. Losing control makes them feel guilty and even more separate than before. Guilt erases the child's ability to look like he cares. The "I don't care" look is deceiving--underneath, the child is heartbroken that she became so desperate.
- Make generous contact. It helps children connect if you apologize for not having kept things safe. You can say "I'm sorry I didn't see that you were upset with Ginger. It's my job to make sure things are safe. I know you didn't want to hurt her."
- If your child can cry or tantrum at this point, healing has begun. Listen. Sometimes, your presence breaks the crust of isolation and the child's bad feelings can pour out. The feelings that she expresses are the root cause of the problem. She will probably be showing feelings of anger toward you, or fear of touch and closeness. These fearful responses indicate that your child feels safe with you, and trusts you to handle her wildest, scariest feelings. Let her feel intensely for as long as it takes. She'll decide when she's done enough.
- Sometimes, a child who has hurt someone can't feel anything. The feelings of guilt button a child up tight. She doesn't feel safe at all. Your best course of action is to make contact with her by spending some moments--perhaps five or ten--paying attention and doing what she wants to do. This isn't rewarding your child for "bad" behavior. Instead, you are helping your child to reconnect. She has feelings she needs to offload, and in a short while, she will have an upset that gives you another chance to help. She won't be able to find her favorite toy, or will hate how you cut her toast. The little upset gives her a chance to do the crying she couldn't do earlier.
- Encourage her to come to you when she's upset. Children don't do this easily when they carry a big knot of tension, but offering the idea that you want her to ask for help indicates the direction things will go in over time, after many cries have released some of her fears.
- Spend playtime with her and elicit laughter when you can. Connecting with a warm adult in play can be a powerful means of keeping a child's sense of closeness alive. It's that sense of fun and closeness that will help her stay on a good track with her friends and siblings.
