How to Avoid Having Violent Children

No one wants to raise violent children but today raising nonviolent children is a bigger challenge than ever before. In our world today, violence seems to be prevalent. The TV news, media, video games and movies contain scenes and stories that include violence. Even children's entertainment often has scenes of characters hitting each other, yelling and screaming, lying and plotting revenge. Adults are angrier than ever before, sometimes as a result of feeling helpless or depressed, and model inappropriate ways to deal with anger.

All of these situations expose children to violence and teach them lessons about how to deal with anger. The result can lead to violent kids or kids who grow up to be violent adults. But these aren't the lessons parents would choose their children to learn. How can parents attempt to neutralize exposure to all this violence?

Use Words
Teach children how to use words to express anger, rather than hitting or other physical displays. Teach them when they are not angry, because it's hard to learn when anger is the dominant emotion.

Children should learn that talking about angry feelings helps them feel better and works better than hitting. Encourage them to talk about the reasons they are angry, and work toward a solution. Role play scenarios for practice. The pretending is fun for kids, and the practice will help give them tools for the next time it happens for real.

Most important, model this behavior yourself when you are angry, so your child learns from you. If you are trying to teach your child to manage anger by talking about it, and you yell at your child the next time you are angry, the child will be getting a mixed message. Watching you is much more powerful than any other lesson, so be consistent. If you're angry because the chores aren't done, instead of yelling, "I told you to clean up this room!" you could say, "I see this room is still very cluttered. I really feel good when the house is clean. Would you take care of this please?" If the child says he doesn't want to, then proceed by asking the child when he would be willing to do it. Let him suggest a time, and continue to work it out until you mutually agree. It's validating to his feelings, and it teaches him that your feelings matter as well. This doesn't mean letting him choose tomorrow or the next day if you want it done now, but perhaps five more minutes of what he is doing before he cleans his room would be acceptable to you both.

Limit TV
Children see countless acts of violence on television. Choose programming for them, and also limit TV watching so that children spend more time in physical and creative activities. Do not allow young children to watch violent news footage of war or terrorism. The images stay with them and are disturbing. Avoid talking about these things in front of your children, but be ready to answer questions honestly and openly if they come up.

Talk with your kids about what they see on television programs and in movies. Ask how they feel the characters dealt with their conflicts. Doing this helps the child learn to be empathetic and aware of how others deal with anger and conflict.

Teach Compassion
Teach your child to care when another person is being hurt or bullied by someone. Show your child how to express caring and explain how good it feels to help others. Model this behavior by giving your child opportunities to help people, perhaps through community service or volunteer work with a religious organization or youth group.

Teach compassion at home by talking about feelings with your children on a daily basis. Try using words like, "You seem to be feeling _____. Are you?" Or, "I am not comfortable with the way you are talking to me right now. I'll be willing to listen when you're ready to talk more calmly."

Avoid Violent Video Games and Toys
Do not allow your children to play violent video games in which characters kill each other, whether the characters are human, alien or anything else. Doing so simply encourages violence and is unhealthy. Fine motor coordination skills can be learned by playing video games in which the goal is to earn points by solving puzzles, finding clues, completing challenges or taking care of virtual pets. Age-appropriate games and toys help reinforce learning skills and can also help nurture empathy rather than encouraging violence. Do not allow your child unrestricted access to Internet games or Web sites. Avoid toy weapons or toys that come with miniature weapons.

Teach Anger Management Techniques
Anger is a human emotion that we all feel sometimes. But learning ways to calm yourself down when you're angry is very important and helpful. Teach your child techniques like taking three long, slow, deep breaths; counting to ten slowly or removing herself from a situation to be alone. Practice these with your child in role-play situations, and try developing some reminder signals when you see your child's anger has been triggered.

Don't forget to model the behavior yourself so your child sees it in action the next time you are angry. If you teach one thing and model another, children will attempt to make sense of the conflict and will learn it's okay for adults to yell and scream because they are bigger. Children will then conclude it's acceptable to yell at anyone smaller than they are. When we react with anger, we teach disregard for other people's feelings. When we manage our anger, we teach that others are worthy of respect.

Teach Self Worth
Teach your children that they are loved and deserving of love. Children who have a strong support base from parents who are involved in their lives have the self confidence to avoid peer pressure and can walk away from confrontations. Teach children how to avoid getting pulled into conflicts, and to use words to express anger, frustration and disappointment.

Furthermore, teach your children not to bully others or put them down, but rather to cultivate healthy friendships. If your child is being confronted by another child, teach him ways to appropriately handle the disagreement other than participating in a fight. Remind children that they should stick up for each other, as bullying is often easily discouraged when a group stands by the child who's being hurt.