Setting Age-Appropriate Boundaries for Children

For many parents, it starts with a child's nagging plea: "Why can't you let me cross the street by myself?" or "When are you going to let me walk home from school on my own?"

It would be so nice if that line of questioning stopped there.

But since parenting is all about "letting go," prepare for a continuing onslaught of those kinds of questions - up through the teen years: "Can I go to the mall with my friends?" "Can I get a tattoo?" "Joey and I want to go out on a date alone."

Grappling with when to let kids take on the world without direct adult supervision has always been a challenge for parents. But the question is more significant today, when the world is rapidly changing and much less secure. You want your child to have the independence you had while growing up, but you also want to protect him from risks that just weren't there during your own childhood.

Children's major developmental stages come with a host of age-appropriate milestones. But that doesn't mean that your child specifically is ready for them.

"Children vary tremendously," says David Elkind, Ph.D., the renowned Tufts University child-development expert and author of the landmark book The Hurried Child. "One may be ready to do certain things; another may not be. Parents need to rely on their good common sense."

That means knowing intuitively whether your child is ready to be safely on her own. "You wouldn't leave an infant alone, for example," says Elkind. "And it can be dangerous to let a young child cross the street alone. It takes time and energy to make sure a child really is cautious."

As parents start to hear those "when can I … ?" questions, teaching them what to expect and how to react in different situations goes a long way toward having confidence about their safety in the world. Here are some basic, age-appropriate guidelines for preparing kids to be more independent, so that you can feel more secure when they do strike out on their own:

Ages 5 to 9
Young children need to be taught how to accomplish a variety of independent activities safely - crossing the street, riding a bicycle, answering the phone at home, etc. Parenting and safety experts recommend teaching a child how to do something safely on his own and then monitoring his first attempts.

"If you live in a safe cul de sac and your child can cross the street over to a friend's house while you watch out the window, then a 5- to 6-year-old child can cross the street," says Jan Faull, M.Ed., a noted Seattle-based parenting educator, author and lecturer. "In more urban areas, though, where there's lots of traffic, it's probably not a good idea to allow a child to do that until they're at least 10."

Faull herself monitored her third child when he wanted to go to a neighborhood park on his own to play with friends. "When they were young, my two older kids went to the park on their own. When my youngest wanted to go, things had changed. It wasn't as safe. I had to do many dry runs."

Initially, she would follow her son to the park at a distance, to make sure he got there safely. Then she would drive by the park a few times to check on him while he was there. "I told him he could go to the park for one hour with at least two friends. We identified two houses near the park where he could go if anything unforeseen occurred."

At what age can parents start to let a child walk the neighborhood or play in the park unaccompanied by an adult? Faull believes that, generally, kids under age 10 aren't quite ready to judge the trustworthiness or intentions of an adult who might approach them.

"Children age 10 and over can consider many factors; they can see that someone's intentions are not just on the surface, that there's a hidden agenda," she says. "So that's about the age that I would look for."

Ages 10 to 13
Budding adolescents, 'tweens as they're often called, are asking for more independence at younger ages these days - from wanting to hang with friends at the mall or stay home alone to wanting to be in co-ed situations without parental supervision. Parents often feel a tug of war between their own need to know that their kids are safe and involved in age-appropriate activities, and their children's need for increased independence.

Again, child-development experts say it comes down to the individual child's readiness and, of course, teaching the child about the safety issues involved.

"I always go back to the fundamentals of child development," Elkind says. "Brain research confirms that young adolescents, ages 12 to 14, are not good at decision-making. They respond more emotionally. Understanding that, you want to be a little more thoughtful about what to allow them to do."

Kenneth Ginsburg, M.D., a specialist in adolescent medicine at The Children's Hospital in Philadelphia, also points out the differences in emotional maturity between boys and girls at this age. "Generally, girls mature about two years faster than boys, on average. Girls really are more pre-teenagers when a lot of boys at this age are still very much little boys."

Ginsburg, the co-author of But I'm Almost 13! An Action Plan for Raising a Responsible Adolescent, believes in giving a 'tween increased independence while also providing a safety net that allows the child to save face while getting out of an uncomfortable or risky situation.

When your 'tween asks for specific independence, Ginsburg says, "Ask yourself, -What is right for my child? Is he or she prepared? Have I put into place a safety net so that I really know he or she is capable of acting responsibly with the limits I have set?"

If you aren't entirely comfortable with a situation, Ginsburg recommends telling your child this and coming up with rules that will make you both feel more comfortable.

If, for example, your seventh-grader wants to go to the mall with friends, let her know that you want her to stay with her group of friends and not strike off on her own, that you want her to check in with you by phone at regular times.

Then, if something goes wrong, give the child an escape - a way that she can alert you to get her out of an uncomfortable situation while still saving face with her friends.

"Adolescence is all about saving face," Ginsburg says. "You have this fantasy that your kid is going to say something like, -I'm sorry, I'm not going to do this because my mother says it's wrong.' That's not going to happen. But what they can say is -My mother is such a pain in the butt. She wants me to come home now. I gotta go.'"

Ginsburg recommends that, starting at age 10, all families can have a code phrase: A 'tween can call home, tell his mother or father something like, "I'm going to be an hour later probably. Can you walk the dog?" The parent would then know that the child is in trouble or uncomfortable and can respond like a strict, unwavering caregiver. "No. Where are you?! I'm going to pick you up right now!"

"That's what kids want," Ginsburg says. "They want to do the right thing, but sometimes find themselves in situations they can't negotiate. This is just the -blame me' method. It provides them with an instant out, where they know they can call you anytime."

The "S Word" in Adolesence
One of the trickier paths to navigate with 'tweens and teens is physical intimacy with the opposite sex. Reports of adolescents engaging in oral sex as early as age 12 or 13 are probably as scary to 'tweens as they are to parents.

"Certainly things are happening earlier," Elkind acknowledges. "One of the things I think is most important is that kids at this age not go out on single dates, but in a group. A group is much safer," he says. "Single dating opens things up to all sorts of possibilities." Elkind suggests that 16 is a good age to begin single dating.

But discussions between parent and child about sexual intimacy need to start at a younger age, Faull says. "If you're worried about your middleschooler being sexually active, you need to have those discussions about modesty, abstinence, premarital sex - whatever your values are - when your child is 8, 9 or 10. Those are the ages when children still like their parents; they listen to them and they're open to their parents' influences."

Then when the middleschooler is about to potentially deal with a boy-girl situation without parental supervision, you can bring up what might occur, she says. "You can say to the child, -If you're walking to the park with two boys, they may have an idea that they want to kiss you or touch you. Let's practice how to say no.' So often kids are just caught off guard, thinking -I thought we'd just go to the park and run around and be silly, and here I am and these boys are trying to touch me.'"

If you've talked about intimacy and readiness earlier on, you can bring up a specific situation like this more comfortably with your 'tween, Faull says.

Ages 14 and Up
Teens are confronted with numerous risky activities - sexual activity, drinking, drug use and more - all with the idea that they should be dealing with this on their own.

If parents have been lax with their kids from very early on, not setting or enforcing rules and limits, they'll have a difficult time reining in their teens, Elkind warns. "It's much easier to start tough and ease up than to start easy and get tough. Parents may start to get laissez-faire with young children and allow them to do a lot of stuff because they don't want to get into an argument. But that backfires later on."

Communication from early on is equally important, he says. "Start early with frank discussions, really listening to what your kids have to say and sharing with them your own perspective. Then in adolescence, you begin talking about some of these things (premarital sex, underage drinking, etc.). If you can establish good relationships and open communication early on, kids can understand that you're not really trying to block their freedom, but are concerned for their well-being."

When it comes to teen requests for body piercing or tattoos, Elkind says parents need to pick their battles. "Kids need markers. We've taken away so many markers in development. We have no trouble saying no to an 8- or 9-year-old who wants a tattoo, but teenagers can use these as a marker - to say, -I'm older, I'm different.'"

Where parents can draw the line is when markers are irreversible; tattoos, for example, are difficult and painful to remove, Elkind notes. If something is easily reversible, then the teen would not regret doing it several years down the road.

Physical vs. Emotional Well-Being
With adults more focused on children's physical safety today, particularly in a society where sexual abuse of children, kidnapping, school violence and other risks are more prevalent, Elkind cautions parents to pay just as much attention to their children's emotional well-being.

"We've had a really extraordinary switch from the time when we were growing up," he says. "We're very concerned about children's physical well-being today - safety belts, bike helmets, supervised organized activities. But we're much less concerned about their psychological well-being."

"It may be a matter of control," Elkind continues. "We have much more control over the physical than the psychological. It's rather ironic, though, that we're more concerned about physical well-being than psychological."

In addition to open communication from early on, Elkind suggests closely monitoring the kinds of media children are exposed to and talking to them into adolescence about issues such as divorce, sex and risky behavior.

"Express your concerns, watch TV programs with them and talk about it. Visit the Internet now and then with them. You don't have to use surveillance techniques," he says, "but at least be involved and know what they're up to."

At any age, a parent's job is to teach a child how to navigate the world safely and responsibly. Instead of being flummoxed by a child's request for independence, realize that those requests are to be expected, says Ginsburg. "Tell the child, -I want you to be able to do this. I think you're old enough. Let me tell you what I need to know in order to be comfortable with it. Let me know that you're clear about what you need to do to have this freedom.'"

"Of course, kids are going to experiment and make mistakes - that's the way they learn," he says. "But you want to make sure you have a safety net in place."

Deirdre Wilson is a senior editor for Dominion Parenting Media, the Boston Parents Paper and Parenthood.com.

Resources

• "But I'm Almost 13!" An Action Plan for Raising a Responsible Adolescent, by Kenneth R. Ginsburg, M.D., M.S.Ed., with Martha M. Jablow, Contemporary Books, 2002. Provides strategies for motivating and guiding 'tweens, including tips on how to safely increase their independence.
• The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast, Too Soon, by David Elkind, Ph.D.,Perseus Publishing, 3rd ed., 2001. This classic book explains how and why we force our kids to grow up too fast and what we can do to slow things down.
• Keeping Kids Safe, by Kenneth Shore, Prentiss Hall Press, 2001. Covers a wide range of safety issues and offers tips for preparing and protecting kids at home, at school and online.
• Unplugging Power Struggles, by Jan Faull, Parenting Press, 2000. Helps parents provide the guidance children need while allowing them to develop skills and confidence.

© Parenthood.com, used with permission.