Improving Communication in Your Marriage

By: Philip Lop

One of the biggest issues in any relationship is that of communication. Married couples go through many different phases in their lives, and their ability to communicate with one another could be the difference between growing stronger and growing further apart. It comes as no surprise that therapists and counselors cite communication problems as one of the most common complaints brought to them by estranged married couples.

Good communication does not always come easily, and it takes commitment and effort on both parts. Even if there is a strong connection when a couple first marries, as they mature and their lives change, a greater focus on improving communication may still be required.

Learn to listen

Communication is not just about speaking. Learning to listen to your spouse is a crucial part of good communication. It is worth remembering that very often there will be a deeper meaning to what your spouse says, and it may not be immediately apparent what that is. Listening to your spouse is about taking the time to give him or her your undivided attention, and applying the empathy and understanding to find out what is really meant. Active listening is essential, too. Always look at your spouse when you are talking to him or her.

Acknowledge differences between genders

Many successful books have been written on the differences between men and women, notably John Gray's 1992 best-seller, "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus." In spite of the book's light-hearted title, the text includes many important observations, and some great learning about the different ways in which men and women communicate. It is vital to acknowledge and celebrate these differences. They need not be a reason for friction, as there is no wrong or right way to communicate. Taking time to understand your spouse can greatly improve the communication between you.

Manage difficult conversations carefully

While good communication is an ongoing process, difficult conversations require special consideration. It is important to discuss difficult matters at a time that is relaxed and convenient to both parties, and where the location is suitable. Take time to think about what you want to say, and what you want the outcome to be, preparing yourself for the way in which you expect your partner to react. In many cases, difficult conversations are prompted by one partner, who is much better prepared than the other. Don't allow these conversations to become one-sided or manipulative.

Being right isn't as important as being understood

Remember that communication is about ensuring understanding, not about winning an argument or competition. Arguing a point on the basis of who is in the right is largely a waste of energy and barely resolves anything. Blame will always damage effective communication, as it shifts the emphasis onto point-scoring and defensive behavior. The measure of success of good communication is that both parties understand and can empathize with each other. They don't have to agree.

Be aware of body language, tone and volume of voice

Communication includes the subtleties of body language, tone of voice and overall volume. Raising your voice indicates aggression, as does continually pointing your finger at your partner. In an emotional situation, it can sometimes be very difficult to moderate these behaviors, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't make the effort. If your partner acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, replay this using a sentence starting with "I" rather than "you." "You are making me feel uncomfortable" sounds more accusatory than "I am feeling uncomfortable."

Good communication skills take time and effort to develop, and even with plenty of practice, there will still be times when it is very difficult to avoid confrontation. Ultimately, how you and your partner manage those situations is critical to the well-being of your marriage.

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