Improve your online dating experience with real communication

Having ventured into online dating sites, many of us have found one request after another loaded with specifics like blond, big brown eyes, or a slim and slimmer shape for women. For men, it might be a request for someone tall, dark, and very comfortably situated, thank you.

Whatever happened to actually discovering another whole human being, who comes with a droll sense of humor, quick smile or kind nature? That's what we used to find, one at a time, in school, at church, at work, or at a friend's house. It's still possible with a little homework.

Now, in a rather isolated world, we find we can beam up our preferences for specific characteristics online. And when we get them, what then? Will that tall, brown eyed blond really have a clue who you are? Or more important, will she even care? You may be just the tall, curly haired gentleman with a cute little beard that she has been seeking. But now that as one sets out to get to know each other, trading stories, meeting over coffee or dinner, there's a vast reservoir of much more important information to consider. You need the real details that could make a lasting relationship, if the pieces fit.

Will she be charmed or appalled when he whips out a pipe after dinner? Will he be intrigued or miffed when she giggles quickly after his every remark?

Out there sitting across from someone at lunch, or yawning through a so-so movie, many have smiled and many have frowned. We find that when we log onto the online dating scene we have become part of a vast and rather confusing array of people. Of course pictures, descriptions and preferences are needed to get the ball rolling, but perspective and openness cannot be dismissed. Consider how to make this really work.

The Solution? Communicate. Be clear about what you want. Be perceptive about what you encounter.

In your profile say who you are seeking and strive to become increasingly perceptive in reading profiles. Ask for someone who sees you for who you really are. Look for genuine comments about work, family, and values, descriptions that show thought and self awareness. You are seeking the person who accepts individuals as they are with all of their needs and frailties and kindnesses. Talk about the qualities you admire most: loyalty, quick wit, persistence, honesty. 

When you post a picture, make it a current one. It's tempting to use whatever is available, even if you were 10 pounds lighter and five years younger. If you doubt that someone's picture is current, ask for more pictures. Comments like, "A little gray and a few extra pounds." can be cleared up with a few more pictures.

Suggest a phone call to chat before you meet, if that's comfortable for you. Often on the phone you will pick up better clues as to who the person really is and if it is worth the time and effort for the two of you to meet.

When you meet listen for what's real. Does he dominate the conversation focusing only on personal interests? Does he ask about your job, your goals, your views?Do you find yourself sharing thoughts, jokes, common interests? Does he show up on time and seem enthused? Or, does he call you by the wrong name, duck out to take calls and seem distracted? These are all immediate clues as to what's really happening.

If he really seems just right, go slowly. A couple of dates in various situations can provide a more complete view. How does he handle meeting your friends and family? Does he introduce you to his? Is he always suggesting the least expensive restaurant? Does he always seem to show up slightly late, forget to call, or want to switch meeting times? Be calm and observant. At this point you have only invested a small amount of time in a new relationship. Watch, listen and learn.

The result? Real communication, mixed with recognition, that can patch you through to someone really worth knowing.