Whether you’ve endured a divorce or the loss of a spouse, deciding on the right time to begin dating again can be difficult. Often it’s emotional baggage that’s keeping you from jumping back into the dating pool, but reasons like lack of confidence and feelings of guilt can also serve as roadblocks on the path to finding new love. How do you choose the right time to take another shot at finding The One? Below, Carole Brody Fleet, author of Widows Wear Stilettos..., offers her tips on when you can best gauge the right time to begin dating again.

1. When You Have Recovered From Your Grief
“Immediately following divorce or death, at the height of grief or during what may very well be the worst time in your life is not the time to jump headlong back into dating,” Fleet says. Like it or not, before resuming dating, you must first heal from the pain of the divorce or death of your spouse. Unfortunately, such recovery doesn’t occur overnight. “Before dating again, take the time and patience to sufficiently recover from the trauma that you have experienced and to get to know yourself as a single person,” Fleet recommends. Don’t let other people’s urgings that it’s time to get back out there again sway you. Trust yourself that you’ll know when the time is right.

2. When You Realize That You Are Not Guilty
When you have been functioning in life as one-half of a couple, you become conditioned to thinking of yourself in those terms, Fleet says. “It’s jarring when all of sudden — whether by divorce or by death — you are single, yet your emotional being is still in the ‘one-half of a couple’ mindset,” she explains. When you find yourself attracted to someone or you make a decision to resume dating, you may feel guilty, almost as if you are cheating on your ex or late spouse, not to mention your children, his family or all of the above.

While guilt is a perfectly normal emotion to encounter during healing process, it can nonetheless hold you back from returning to dating. “You’re realizing and accepting that your previous relationship has ended and that there is no reason to feel guilty about dating or seeking companionship is a necessary step in the knowledge that you are ready to re-enter the world of dating,” Fleet says.

3. When You’ve Let Go of Your Anger
It is absolutely normal to feel angry at whatever circumstances ended your relationship. “Of course you’re going to be angry with an abusive or unfaithful spouse or at the circumstances surrounding a spouse’s death—after all, you’re a good person and you did not deserve this,” Fleet says. Sadly however, Fleet says many choose to stay “in the angry” or “in the bitter” to the point that they are unable to move forward with their lives. “These same people may take this anger out on their children, their friends, their work colleagues and yes, prospective dates as well,” she notes.

The resolution of your anger is an important step toward readying yourself for dating again. “When you have made peace with the circumstances that ended your last relationship and you have begun to move forward from that loss into your new life, you are truly ready to begin exploring the world of dating again,” Fleet says.

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