Friends with Benefits: Advice for Dating a Friend

If you're looking for love, dating a friend seems like an obvious choice. Chances are, if someone is your friend, they have some great qualities that drew you to them in the first place.

But dating friends is more complicated than meeting someone new at a party or going on a blind date. Most likely, you and your friend will have mutual friends and a history. No matter the outcome, asking out a friend will affect you, your potential partner and all your other friends.

Making the Decision

You have a lot to consider before you date a friend. First, make sure you are truly romantically interested in your friend. Just because your friend is around, amazing and possibly willing does not mean you have to go for it. You don't want to start dating friends if you're on the rebound, and you do not want to date just because you're lonely. You need to wait a few months after a rebound before you start a new relationship, whether it's with a friend or not.

After asking yourself if you are ready, start thinking about the consequences. You may want to believe that you'll be perfectly matched and ride off into the sunset together. But reality takes its toll. If the relationship doesn't work out, you and your friend may no longer have a friendship, and, even if you do, the dynamics will change. Mutual friends may be affected and might feel like they have to take sides. Then, you'll not only lose one friend, but you might also lose several. Is it worth this risk?

If you do not think your friend is long-term material, you might reconsider your decision. Are a few dates worth losing or diluting a friendship? However, if you can see this working out, if you your interest in your friend remains strong and if the feeling is mutual, then you might be able to turn your friend into a boyfriend or girlfriend.

How to Date a Friend

You may know that a friend is interested, or you may be unsure, but it's best to be as clear and upfront about your feelings as possible. Honesty from the start will reduce mixed signals. Each of you has to come clean about your intentions and your expectations.

If you are the one initiating the relationship, brace yourself for rejection. Friendly gestures can be misunderstood as romantic overtures. Your friend might be surprised that you want to date. Or, your friend might be interested in you, but he or she doesn't want to risk the friendship in any way. Understand why your friend might not want to take it to the next level.

The Dates

Choose locations that are neutral and aren't related to activities you did or places you went before you decided to date. Starting in a new environment will be a good test to see if you are genuinely interested in your friend or if you are just going out because it seemed easy.

Part of dating friends is that you know them and don't have to go through the getting-to-know-you phase of a relationship. But don't forget that you know them as friends, not as boyfriends or girlfriends. You may discover a few surprises, some good and some bad, as you get to know this person in an entirely new way. Dating friends is tricky business, and you need to take things slow.

If one date leads to another, don't be afraid to discuss a plan for dealing with past history and mutual friends. It's important to keep your other friends out of the equation as much as possible. Think about avoiding any group dates until you and your friend feel comfortable enough to share that you are dating.

How to Deal With Mutual Friends

Consider the friends the two of you share. Once you've moved a friendship into romantic territory, mutual friends will feel the impact. In fact, they might be shocked. Other romantic feelings and possibly jealousy may rise to the surface.

Even if the chance of jealousy is low, you should tell mutual friends once the two of you have entered into a romantic relationship and are comfortable. If you don't, you risk hurting their feelings and creating unnecessary stress and drama.

Additionally, be careful about the information you share. If you were dating a stranger, you might call a friend for advice, but, if you're dating a mutual friend, this may make other friends feel awkward.

If the relationship does not work out, you will not only have to deal with your friend but also your mutual friends. Be sure to discuss how the two of you will handle this situation. Be warned that, if the relationship does not work out, you may lose more than just a romantic interest: Your mutual friendships could suffer or end.