Friendships often change after having children. When one friend moves on to the parenting stage in life, the sudden differences between two friends' lifestyles can lead to negative friendship changes. The childless friend complains that their friend with children spends too much time talking about parenting issues, and the friend isn't available for the same social times or activities. The friend with children complains that the childless friend has no understanding of the amount of energy and time that being a parent involves and has unrealistic expectations of their friendship.
A certain amount of envy on both sides tends to creep into the relationship as well, even if it remains unspoken. The childless friend may envy how the friend with children is able to put work, looks, money and power issues aside and forge a beautiful parent-child bond. The friend with children may envy the spontaneity, late outings, sleeping in or opportunities for travel still enjoyed by the childless friend.
Many times, a new mother is so preoccupied with the baby that she doesn't even have time for herself, let alone her friends. A friend who understands this basic tenet of being a new parent will be able to consider the needs of her friend and even offer support.
How do friends handle the sudden changes in their relationship and maintain their bond? Some key pointers for both sides can help smooth the transition and help maintain the friendship.
Discussion Limits
The friend with kids needs to be able to limit the talk about diapers, feeding, sleep habits, birth stories and checkups. Although these topics can be consuming for parents, childless friends will find more than a little of that to be annoying. A few cute stories are usually okay, but the friend with kids should try to make the majority of the discussion topics issues of mutual interest. Not only will the conversation be a welcome break for a parent, but it will also be much easier on both friends. The friend without kids could do her part by taking an interest in the kids in order to balance out the conversation.
Understanding
The friend without children needs to realize that parenting becomes a primary focus of a person's life. They should be tolerant of a decrease in availability and frequent interruptions caused by kids' needs taking precedence. At the same time, the friend with kids can be considerate and do her best to limit interruptions when talking on the phone to the other friend. Some frank discussion about what is or is not possible for the new parent will help set guidelines.
Adapting
The regular outings of friends may need to be relocated or adjusted if the parent friend isn't available to go to a club or go out at night. Think of meeting in a playground on the weekend, or at one of the friend's homes instead. Even a late-night trip to the grocery store can be a chance to meet and catch up. Make the focus on quality time together whenever the opportunity arises, rather than the activity itself. Friendship is about staying in touch, and, when one friend becomes a parent, this rule becomes paramount.
Empathy
A new parent is overwhelmed by caring for the needs of an infant. An understanding friend could show caring by asking what she could do to help at this time. She could prepare a meal, do some shopping or just come over to offer company. A new parent needs emotional support as well, as she is almost always sleep-deprived, hormonal and consumed with an intense round-the-clock feeding, changing and sleeping schedule. A true friend will be there for emotional support.
Temporary Changes
People just aren't able to go out as much when they have children. When the kids get older, they can be left for a few hours with a sitter, or they can be included in gatherings. A friend without children may need to accept that they won't see as much of the parent friend for a while. The best of friendships hold together if both parties accept that changes happen and are flexible enough to know that the baseline of caring is always there.
Communication Is Key
Friends in this situation are advised to talk openly about the changes in their friendship and what each needs from the other. They should reserve judgment, but they should also speak honestly. After all, a good friendship comes from a foundation of mutual caring and trust. Each friend should trust that the foundation is still there and talk about how they can make the friendship work.
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