Dating After Coming Out

Coming out can have a huge impact on your dating life as a gay, lesbian or bisexual person. It changes your expectations-both of yourself and the people you date-and raises a host of other issues. After all, coming out isn't an event but a process.

Being out will have obvious benefits on your dating life. Meeting people becomes easier as you are open about your orientation in settings that aren't exclusively gay and lesbian, allowing you the opportunity to meet potential dates through your straight friends and their social circles as well. Choosing where to go on dates also becomes much easier, as you'll no longer need to rely on finding an exclusively gay and lesbian setting for your outing. This can have a significant impact on the nature of your relationships as your first dates are no longer largely limited to bars and dance clubs.

However, if you are recently out, being openly gay or lesbian in a straight environment can feel challenging. It is perfectly reasonable that this may take you some time to get used to. If you are the newly out person in a relationship, share this information relatively early in the dating process. This provides both a discussion topic and is helpful to your date in understanding any tension or awkwardness you might experience.

As an out person, you should discuss your level of outness with someone you date. Because being out doesn't have a single definition, this includes everything from who knows about your sexuality to the level of comfort you each have with discussing your relationship publicly and what degree of public displays of affection you consider safe or appropriate. Some gay and lesbian people find that people who were perfectly fine with their coming out have different reactions to their sexuality when a dating partner enters the picture. Sometimes dating can trigger a whole new coming out process.

You'll also want to consider whether you are willing to date someone who is less out than you. This issue can seem minor at first-after all, as long as you know who you are and how you feel about each other, what does it matter what information other people have? But when two people who are dating have different levels of being out, it may seem like the party who is still closeted is ashamed of the relationship or their sexuality, which can be a deal breaker. Coming out is hard work. It may not be something you want to help someone work through in a new relationship.

That said, being out is so complex and involves so many factors. No two people can ever have the exact same level of outness, which is why the issue is important to discuss. Discussing where you are in the coming out process may also force conversations earlier or in a different manner than you would prefer about your level of feelings and commitment to each other. This can be tough, but more information on these issues is helpful for deciding whether a dating relationship turns serious.

When discussing your level of outness with a date, it's important not to make value judgments on how out they are, especially if you're still learning about their background. Coming out carries a different set of risks in the rural Midwest than it does in New York City and will probably be received differently in a traditionally religious family than in a less observant one. Not only is the path of every coming-out journey different, but so are the benefits and risks of the process. Be open to the idea that the people you date may have had very different experiences from you.

Finally, if you are still in the process of coming out in some areas of your life, be prepared for the possibility that being in a relationship will change your coming out plans-it is not uncommon for a serious dating relationship to accelerate someone's coming out process. If you do come out more because of who you are dating, seeking their support is fine, but it is important to remember that coming out is always your decision and impacts your life most directly. It is not appropriate to put the responsibility for your coming out on someone else.

Coming out will expand your dating horizons. But your coming-out experience isn't over-dating will give rise to new issues, and it's important to look for dating partners who understand your background and who are supportive of you.