Coming Out Advice for Teens

Coming out of the closest as a teenager is rarely an easy journey. The teen years are filled with enough pressure and confusion to begin with, and coming out can be a challenge for the family relationships that a teen needs most.

Thoughts and feelings of hope, love and a desire for honesty mix with fears of rejection and persecution. Coming out can be scary, but it can also be a life-changing event and a freeing experience. Having supportive, understanding parents makes all the difference.

Getting Over the Shock
Most parents don't think about their children's sexuality and just assume they are straight. When a teenager comes out as a gay or lesbian, it can be shocking for a parent. The important question that many teenagers ask themselves before beginning the coming out journey is, "How will my parents react?"

Think about how you react to surprises in general, then remember that your teen is telling you something very important about himself. A negative reaction would be to act angry or hateful toward the teen. A positive reaction would be to show understanding and logical reasoning. Some parents may not like the announcement that their teen has made because it goes against their own beliefs. This is where understanding and heart-to-heart discussions can come in.

Parents do not have to compromise their beliefs, but they also do not have to enforce them on their teenager. Logical reactions are made when parents remember how much they love their teen and the reasons behind that love.

The Role of Counseling
Some parents and families may need help with expressing their emotions when a teenager comes out. The best thing families can do is to openly express their feelings to one another. If emotions begin to get really intense, or if conversation simply isn't possible, then counseling or support groups can be helpful.

Some teenagers that have come out of the closet may not want family counseling. If a teenager does not want counseling, then don't force her into it. The rest of the family could still seek support, especially parents. A big support group that parents can turn to is PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). This support group is very helpful for parents who have just found out that their teen is homosexual. Before deciding on counseling options, try to talk to your teen in a non-confrontational way about her reasons for coming out.

Counseling is one form of support that parents can offer, but love is the best thing they can show after a teen has come out of the closet. Remember, this is scary for your teen. He may feel like he doesn't know himself, and you may feel like you don't know him. Changes in your behavior or attitude will be noticed and could be seen as signs of rejection. Try to keep the family routine as normal as possible. If you struggle with that, try talking it out with your teen. Put your own beliefs aside and let him explain to you what it's like.

Offering a Safe Harbor
Some parents tend to be overprotective to a teen who has just come out as gay or lesbian. Again, this is a natural, understandable reaction, but parents do not have to be overprotective or overly lenient. The best way to be supportive is to let teenagers figure out who they are and to steer them away from risky situations. Communicate frequently and get to know who your teen associates with, to ensure that she is safe.

Being an openly gay teen can lead to social problems at school and in the community. It's not uncommon for teens to find a new circle of friends or, sadly, find themselves losing valued friendships. During this time, your home can be a safe harbor for your teen, a place where he knows he'll be loved and supported. Without that reassurance at home, your teen may feel cut off from the world. He may develop self-loathing, which can lead to alcohol abuse, drug addiction or suicidal depression.

Parents can support an openly gay teen by educating family members, friends and neighbors on the reasons why someone comes out. One way to do this is to ask others to evaluate their own reasons why they like the opposite sex. Parents should then compare these reasons for liking the opposite sex with their teenager's reasons for liking the same sex.

Openly gay teens may be actively persecuted by others in the community. Your teen may be ashamed to discuss this with you or feel that it's childish to ask a parent for help. Left unchecked, this kind of persecution can turn violent, so you need to stay involved. Watch for warning signs, such as isolation or an unwillingness to go to certain places. Talk to your teen about what's happening, and ask if anyone is causing problems. If the answer is yes, get principals, school guidance counselors and law enforcement involved, if need be.

The most important thing for parents to remember when a teen comes out is to show that they are still loved. When teenagers come out to their parents, they need to know that they are loved and won't be abandoned. If parents react in a negative or mean way, it could have lifelong consequences to their relationship with their child. You don't have to change your beliefs, but you should allow your teenager to express hers in a safe and understanding environment.