Once you fall into a breaking up and making up pattern, it can be hard to escape. The make up period after a break up is not only addictive, but the emotions can also distract you and your partner from truly dealing with your relationship issues. For your relationship's long-term health, you and your partner need to see this pattern and to acknowledge what is going on.
If two people keep breaking up to make up, they prevent their relationship from growing, and they could be setting themselves up for a hard fall. No relationship can survive if it is involved in a nonstop rollercoaster ride. Eventually, if two people do not stop destructive patterns, the wheels will fall off the relationship, and you'll get hurt.
Trace the Pattern
Before you can make changes, you need to know the full extent of your relationship issues. Evaluate your relationship from its beginning to its current status. Once you take a step back and see the full scope of a relationship, you can recognize the patterns that have formed.
Do you break up and make up a lot? What usually sparks this process? Which part do you like most, the breaking up or the making up? Do you make up because neither of you wants to be alone? Consider who usually breaks up with whom, when these break ups happen and how long they last. For example, breaking up could happen during a particularly stressful time of year or near important dates. Knowing your habits is half the battle when it comes to curbing such destructive patterns.
Talk It Out
One of the most basic commandments of relationship help is to communicate. If all you and your loved one do is break up to make up, you need to learn how to talk to each other about what is going on. Take the time to point out the pattern: Bring up specific incidents, examples and details. Stress that no one person is at fault, but this is something that the two of you need to work on together. Think about the pattern as a puzzle that needs to be solved: What can each of you do to help break the break up to make up pattern? Have you really been breaking up or did you just have a disagreement? And do you want to break up once and for all? The more specific the two of you can get about what causes this problem in your relationship, the more likely it will be to break this pattern.
Learn Different Coping Mechanisms
In many cases, people break up because they do not know how to cope with their emotions, how to be in a relationship with another person or how to deal with conflict. Some people break up to get through a rough patch instead of having a talk. Now that you recognize you've been breaking up to make up, you and your loved one can work on figuring out different ways to deal with conflict, emotions and issues in a relationship.
For example, come up with code words when you are fighting or about to fight. This will not only help you and your loved one deal with conflict and avoid a hasty break up, but it can even lighten the mood and remind the two of you of your relationship's patterns.
Another example would be how you deal with arguments. If one of you generally leaves in the middle of an argument or tries to break up because he or she can't handle the stress, try taking a breather. Put the argument aside for a little while so you go with the facts instead of your emotions. This will keep things from escalating to the point where you are thinking about breaking up again.
Make Long-Term Goals
If the two of you share goals, then you may be less likely to break up as hastily or with the notion that you're going to get back together. Long-term goals remove break ups as an easy solution because they could end up affecting future trips away or other plans. Making long-term plans will show you and your partner that this relationship is solid and should be treated seriously.
Mediators are Magic
If new coping mechanisms and shared goals won't help, you and your loved one should consider couples counseling or seeing a therapist. This outside force could help the two of you see the ins and outs of the pattern, the roles each of you play in reinforcing or backing up the pattern and how to change old behaviors or routines that contribute to the pattern. A mediator can help the two of you take a step back so that you see the relationship for what it is, and then you'll know if you want to make up or break up for good.