How to Break Up

Very few people know how to break up gracefully. Before making any decision, make sure you are certain you want to break up with your former partner. A false start or indecision can make things messier than they need to be, and a break-up/make-up cycle will be painful for both of you.

Plan Ahead

Write down the reasons so you have a better idea of why and how to break up. Think about concrete reasons that are logical and not fueled by emotion. If you feel emotional, walk away from your list and return when you have calmed down. When asked why you want to break up, don't blame your former partner; this will only make breaking up more difficult for each of you.

Getting the reasons in writing will help you remember them when talking with your former partner. You don't have to bring the list with you, but it will help you process how you are feeling and help you remember specific examples and points.

Unless you are concerned about your safety, try not to tell anyone else about the break up. If you tell a friend and it gets back to your ex before you've had a chance to talk to them, they will feel even more betrayed and disrespected than before. Break ups are about respect, and just because you no longer want to be in a relationship, it doesn't mean you stop being respectful of your soon-to-be ex's emotions.

The Talk

Decide how long the talk with your former partner will last. Setting a time limit for the break up talk will keep it from going on too long.

Keep your tone firm and fair; you do not want to seem too happy or too sad about the situation. If you seem happy, you may hurt your former partner even more than before. If you seem sad, you could give your soon-to-be ex false hope.

Be sure to be as direct and concise as possible and avoid clichés like, "It's not you; it's me." Well-worn standards may make your former partner feel disrespected. No matter the reasons, be sure to stress that this is best for both of you. However, you don't want to go too far by criticizing your ex's body or habits.

Keep the conversation as focused as possible. Do not allow the conversation to rehash old arguments; a break up is an opportunity for a new beginning, and, perhaps, the start of a new kind of relationship with your former partner.

Think about how to break up and where to have this talk. You want to make sure it's a place where the person feels safe enough to react. Generally, it's best to avoid your own home, because your former partner may be too upset to leave. However, if you worry that your former partner may grow violent, choose a public place. No matter what, it's always a good idea to tell your friends and family where you will be and what time you plan on returning.

Going into this, know that your former partner will experience a variety of emotions and be ready for this. Don't tell them how to feel; people cope with break ups in different ways.

Answer any questions as honestly as possible without being cruel. It's okay to comfort your former partner if they are upset, but keep physical interaction as low as possible. You do not want to give any mixed signals.

Your former partner may beg or argue, but do not budge. The initial break up talk has to be as firm as possible; this will be the first step in making a clean break. If your former partner lashes out at you and says cruel things, do not respond. People often regret the things they say in the heat of the moment.

The Aftermath

Once you've had the conversation, you will need to set up barriers. Keep your distance from your former partner for at least two weeks. Only initiate contact if absolutely necessary.

Building a friendship with your ex will take time. Still, don't say you want to be friends unless you really do.

Following the break up, do not play games with your ex; you may feel lonely, but this doesn't mean you should call your ex or toy with getting back together. This is why it's incredibly important that you take your time to make the decision whether or not to break up. Once this decision is made, you need to follow through with it.

If you run into your ex afterward, do not ignore them. Be as friendly as you can, but don't give them the wrong idea.

As stated, after breaking up, you may feel lonely. This doesn't mean you should immediately jump into another relationship. Not only will the other person feel like a rebound, but the new relationship will have baggage from your last relationship. Be sure to allow yourself time to process your emotions and feel comfortable being alone before jumping into another relationship.

Again, say and do only what you mean. Keep a level head, and you will be ready to start the next chapter in your life.