Relationship War Room, Strategies for Winning


Quality Time versus Quality Space
Men and women have been in a battle with each other since the beginning of time. Susan needs quality time with Timothy to share her inner-most thoughts and she requires that he listens as she speaks. Susan needs to know that she has Timothy?'s support or, at the very least, provide a solution to an issue that has been tearing at her patience for the last couple of days. Timothy on the other hand has just arrived home from work and before the door is even shut behind him, Susan is already pummeling him with a barrage of words that somehow sounds like a telephone conversation from Charlie Brown - wonk, wonk, wonk, wonk, wonk, and wonk! All Timothy wants to do is find his way through the maze of toys on the floor and make it to what Allison, Timothy and Susan?'s 5 year old daughter, dubbed as ?"daddy?'s favorite chair?". ?"If I can just make it to that chair?", Timothy thinks out loud to himself. Susan needs Timothy?'s quality time even if he has spent the last 12 hours of the day at a job that he doesn?'t really enjoy. Timothy just wants to decompress even if for an hour in his favorite chair. His workday has not ended just because he walked out of the office and into his home. 

Many marriages are a mirror image of Susan and Timothy. Perhaps you are Timothy reading this right now and your Susan is at home peering through the window awaiting your arrival. She needs and craves your attention. But you need an hour?'s worth of space. How can this even happen? Where will the two of you find the balance so that each of gets your need fulfilled? While this task seems particularly enormous, it is very possible to find that comfortable balance so that Susan?'s need for time gets satisfied and Timothy can finally make it to his favorite chair.

Are Men and Women Really That Different?
Yes they are. Dr. John Gray wrote the relationship help book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus back in May of 1992. The book focused on men and women understanding and accepting their differences. All too often in relationships, it does appear that men and women are from different planets. The lack of effective communication has been the biggest contributor to the dismantling of love connections where relationships are concerned. Communication in the beginning of a relationship with your significant other is frequent because the relationship is new. Conversations on the telephone, emailing, and text messaging at any free time you can get is needed to get to know your future mate. However, after the honeymoon and the pitter patter of little feet, that communication that was so important in the beginning of the relationship begins to become less frequent. The two that fell in love begin to drift apart. Timothy doesn?'t seem to know what Susan wants anymore. How can this be? After all, he knew what it took in the beginning to keep that sparkle in her eye. And Susan knew what it took to keep Timothy?'s attention front and center. Do two people fall out of love? Not always. Most times couples fall out of sync because their communication has faltered. Restoration of the channels of communication can and will lead to that same new love couples experienced in the beginning of their journeys with each other. However, there has to be a desire to succeed on both sides in order for communication to be effective.

Why He Needs Time, Why She Needs Attention
Because of the different composition of men and women, there are certain things that one needs from the other to complete that ideal co-habitant existence. If you are Timothy and work 10-12 hours a day, the last thing you want when you get home is to hear about an issue that is not a big deal to you as soon as you walk through the door. It?'s not that you don?'t want to hear about it at all. You just don?'t want to hear it right then. On the other hand, if you are Susan and you haven?'t seen nor talked to your Timothy all day, it is your natural reaction to unload on him before he gets completely in the door.

Because both people in this relationship want two different things at the same time, this will eventually cause emotional friction and a small crack begins to develop in the relationship. Over a short period of time, that small crack becomes a gap all because of the lack of communication and the next move is relationship counseling. In order to prevent this gap from becoming completely separated at the seams, an understanding of what each other needs has to be the thread to sew the relationship back together.

Susan needs time with and attention from Timothy so that she can be heard and most of all understood by her mate. It is also imperative that Susan feels loved by Timothy. Listening to her thoughts and feelings goes a long way. Timothy?'s support in this area would mean almost as much to her as a new diamond in a strange kind of way. Timothy just needs time to recover from his long day at work as he decompresses in his chair and switches hats from the man in charge at work to the husband and father at home. After all, Susan wouldn?'t really want him to be in work mode when he arrives home. When Timothy is all free and clear of his hectic day, Susan and Allison can have him for the rest of the evening. Both people in a relationship can obtain and retain compatibility by seeking to understand each other and by strategizing and producing a solid blueprint for meeting each other?'s needs. However, if the channels of communication are obstructed, what good is the blueprint?

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