How to move on after a break up!

Breaking up can be hard. It hurts so much. Your hopes and dreams of a future with that person are over and you have lost someone dear to you as well. The hardest part is having to change the way you saw your future and adjusting to being newly alone. Moving on is easier said than done. Sometimes just the thought of your relationship ending is overwhelming. Single life, or a return to single life can be a daunting challenge. We all want love to be forever, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. 

It feels like you are starting over.   When you experience a break up this emotion can overpower you. Believe in yourself and tell yourself you can get past this relationship ending. You aren't so much starting over as you are going into a new phase. The scariness and newness will pass in time. It may be the end, but it is also the beginning of moving on. Focus on new things and try to be active in making changes to your life while the feeling of starting over is prevalent. 

You may feel betrayed. You will wonder if you should trust anyone. You will question if you should have trusted your partner. Fight this urge to not trust again. Learn from any mistakes you made, but force yourself to trust again. You may even question your ability to trust your own emotions. You can trust yourself and others. It is from trusting others that some of the great things in life are gained. All the urges you have to cut yourself off and never trust again in a relationship must be overcome. It will take time but you may have to force yourself to take a risk and trust others and yourself. 

You will experience an identity crisis. Your relationship is over and now you are alone. Learn to embrace who you always have been. You are now single, but you are still the same person. Don't cut yourself off from the person you have always been because your mate left. You are a unique individual with talents unlike anyone else. Remember what is valuable about you. Let yourself shine. Don't hide away because you feel slightly different from before.  

You will feel abandoned and drowning in grief. Before you can move on, you will feel in shock and numb. Your relationship is over now and it's hard to accept. You will be expecting certain things. Someone to come home to at night. Watching certain  TV shows together. Sunday mornings eating breakfast and reading the paper with one another. Things like these are all gone now and they won't return. It is a hard pill to swallow. When you feel overwhelmed tell yourself "this too shall pass". These words said aloud or thought silently will help get through the moment at hand.

Soon your grief may turn to disbelief. You will begin to hope your relationship is not really over. You may try to hold on to what you have lost. It's a natural reaction. It's called denial. The most important step to getting over denial, is recognizing it. You will have to convince yourself it is over. You life is new now. Things are different now. Guard yourself against having false hope. Condition your mind to react to the denial with an attitude of triumph over your disbelief. Don't allow self pity to creep in and send you down a road of despair and longings that will never be satisfied. You must be on the lookout for denial. Recognize it and fight it off. It is your enemy.

Soon you will feel fear, anger and depression. This is natural when a relationship ends. Certain people will try and fight these feelings, others will try and wallow in these feelings. The important thing is to make sure you accept these feelings. You must feel them and move on. Don't get "poor little me" syndrome, but allow yourself to cry and embrace the feelings of anger. You have to work through the cycle of these feelings and then you can let them go. You will be depressed and fearful. It's okay. Guard yourself against letting these feelings overtake your life, but allow yourself to feel. Find a good friend to help you past the low points, but ultimately help yourself to let go. This too shall pass!

Eventually you will begin to accept that it is over. You will realize you are thinking about your ex-partner less and less. Your moments of grief will still come but not as often. Time will have begun to do it's work. You will realize you are going to be okay. You will start to develop a new life for yourself and new hopes. Your relationship has ended, but you are still around.

This process will involve both moving forward and falling backward. Don't be alarmed when you slip back into periods of despair. This is normal after a break up. Try and recognize what is happening to you. Remember how far you have come and that you will get past this moment. Overcoming a big disappointment like a break up will have ups and downs. This too shall pass!

Time will heal all wounds. Many of us want the time to pass quickly. For a break up it will take weeks for you to go through the process above. For most of us one year removed from the end of a relationship and we will start to feel better. Each person is different. Don't expect to feel better next week. Try and use the information you have learned in this article to make it through the process and allow time to heal. 

When a relationship ends it hurts. A broken heart is more painful than a thousand arrows. Allow yourself to feel, to grieve, and to move on. You will be happy again someday. In the end "this too shall pass"!

Wayne Ansell