If there's one thing that's terrible about a new computer, it's the way they run fast and efficiently. How are you going to get through your day if you don't have something that's constantly crashing and destroying your files? What will you scream at and complain about to friends and loved ones? Don't worry, wrecking your new computer is as simple as a trip to the Internet.

1. Turn off your firewall. What's that thing do, anyway, other than keep you from connecting to the good sites? Shut it off and leave it off. Everyone loves sharing on the Internet, so let people access your hard drive directly and help themselves to your data. If you're feeling particularly generous, you can leave some personal information in an obvious Word file, like "mypasswords.doc," so that you can share your bank account and credit cards.
2. Dump that antivirus software. Nothing wrecks a good surfing session like some pop-up telling you that you've just downloaded a trojan that's stealing your login information. It's also much easier to plead ignorance to your bank's customer service department if you don't know that your hard drive is filled with keyloggers.
3. Use an instant messenger. Go ahead, use all of them, and don't bother with those pesky security settings. Think of those worms and viruses as friendly "Welcome to the neighborhood" gifts from strangers.
4. Download some peer-to-peer sharing software. You won't believe how much stuff you can get for free! Sure, it's filled with viruses, but you want a computer that's slow and crashy. There's even a fun game you can play, where you can see how many movies and songs you can download before you get a subpoena!
5. Post your e-mail address online. Be sure to leave it in forums, on blogs and on comment pages. You'll get thousands and thousands of e-mails from people who want to talk to you.
6. Don't bother with pop-up blockers. How will you know what you can buy, if you're not constantly getting those convenient pop-up ads every time you go online? You could miss out on a fabulously low mortgage rate or have no idea where to buy T-shirts with racy messages.
7. Look for free stuff. You don't need peer-to-peer software to get free satellite TV, free music or free movie downloads. You just need to know where to look. Think of the viruses and spyware as a bonus, and if you are the victim of identity theft, don't worry. You won't need money with all the stuff you get for free!
8. Turn off automatic updates. Waiting for those software patches to download and install is a waste of perfectly good Web surfing time. And who really wants to restart their computer, just to keep some malware from getting through?
9. Open every e-mail and IM you get. Sure, it could have a virus that turns your computer into a slave for distributed denial of service attacks, but it could also be a note from a long-lost relative with important news about an inheritance. Along with sharing and getting things for free, the Internet is all about meeting new people. Don't be shy, just because you don't know the sender. Be a friend and open that e-mail.
10. Load up your hard drive with freeware. The best thing about free programs is the price. Sure, they sometimes cause software conflicts and system crashes, but there's sure to be a patch out soon that will fix the problem.

Following this advice is guaranteed to keep your computer running slowly and crashing frequently. It will also keep your computer repair professional busy, which is a great boost to the economy.